Sunday, July 1, 2012

Feeling like nothing.

I have seen that many males, (yes, I dont call them men anymore, because a man wouldnt do that), are searching online for their new "fix". It is weird to know that when they have a woman who really love them, they still feel the urge to go online searching for other women? And share them.

As for me, I lost the feeling of being me when I saw that happen to me. When I saw that the one I thought was in love with me, still went out there, searching, looking for other women, pictures, or to talk with them, and share pics, and whatever. It really turned me so much off, I lost every feeling I had. Because.....if he needed them, he really didnt need ME, right? So why stay?

When I saw that he wanted to do that, more than try to fix the relationship, tell me that he wanted me, and that he didnt need them anymore, was when I left. First I left emotionally. Because I knew that if he was online cheating like that, he might as well go offline to cheat. And when my emotions left, I felt that there was nothing left on other sides either. Because he was emotionally unstable to be able to give what I needed. He was more into the women online, what they could give. I dont really know WHAT they gave him, but he didnt give me the attention he gave them, so why should I give him?

I noticed that, when he was away from the net for a few days, he got very much upset. Upset in a way that to me, was obvious that he needed to go back there, look up these women, find these pictures, share them, keep them, and look at them over and over again. His computer were filled up.

It hurt me to the point that I HAD to step back. I had to see that I had so much more worth, I was NOT worthy of being the secon-best. I valued myself. I had respect for myself. So much so, I had to go.
Because, if he didnt value ME enaugh to stop searching for others, why should I stay there? Why shoukd I keep up in something that in the end would kill every feeling I had? I needed to know I had some value too. And with what he did, I knew that to HIM, I didnt have that. He didnt value me for me. He valued THEM, not me. He would talk to them, he would give them his pictures, and he would chat also on the phone. Sharing himself with them. But he wouldnt talk to me. He wouldnt share himself with me.

Yes, it hurt. But you know what? That hurt made me understand that in order to love myself, I had to move on. To see who I was. Away from him. It took me a while to understand that what I felt for him, had gone after he denied everything, and still did it. After the lies, I didnt trust a word he said anymore. It was hard to know I wasnt even worth the truth. Oh, he said, in the beginning, that he loved me. Maybe the greatest lie ever told? But when he stopped saying that, I stopped too. Because I knew he feeded of that. And he didnt love anyone but himself really. He was in love with every woman out there, But not with the one who really loved HIM. Maybe he needed the attention from everything walking in high heels? I dont know. All I know is, when we were out somewhere, he would always compliment everyone. But....I never heard him really compliment me. I never heard him say I was "bootylicious", "sexy", or whatever. Or had nice shoes on, or even just a nice dress. It was like he never saw ME. Weird, but true. In the end I found that when he complimented all of these other women, he did that because he wanted them to like him. He didnt NEED that with me, because I LOVED him. And he knew that.

Maybe that was what I did wrong? I told him I loved him. So he thought he do whatever? Flirt, on and off line, search for others online, share their pictures, share his? I dont know. I just know it hurt me very very much. And that is why I finally manage to go.

Now, I dont know. He is probably still online, searching for new women to sleep with, sext with, dominate, or whatever it is he need. But me, I am gone with the wind. I am not searching for love anymore. Why should I? If God want me to find it, He will give it to me. And to know that God will give me what I need, is better than anything in this world.

Maybe someday I will find someone who will treat me right, who will not flirt with everyone, and who will keep me in his arms. Who will give me a hug just because. Who will tell me I look good, or have on nice clothes, or even just say I look good in the morning?

Who knows..:)

But I am an optimist. Because I know, with my values of life, and my respect for myself, and others, I would never manage to do what he did. I would never put myself out there like he did. I will continue to keep my respect for myself.

I do believe the worst thing that happened was the fact that I found something online, and he denied it so much, even though I knew it was true what I have seen. And when he finally said: OK, so if it WAS like that, if was before your time...... I said, yes. But the fact is: you lied to me.
A lie is still a lie. No matter what. And, as I have said before, IT MAKES ME QUESTION EVERYTHING YOU HAVE SAID, AND EVERYTHING YOU SAY! I cannot trust you anymore. Because, if you can lie straight to my face, how much more lies have it been?


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